more disease, more pain

Killing
Without reason
Without thought
No prejudice
No favouritism
Just disease
Sickness
And death

Cancer

Does it come to us all? Do those without it simply die before it develops? Is it the price we pay for living longer and Longer?

I found out on Monday that my Nanna has cancer. It's in the same place as my Dad's was, but she's too weak to fight it. It'll grow and grow until it kills her. The doctors give her 5-7 months, she says she'll be going for longer.

Dad's still not 100% into the clear and now this? Sometimes I feel like I am the cancer. Like I infect people with disease and pain.

Sometimes life seems like a cruel joke and I don't want to go on.

People keep saying to me "at least she's old," "at least she's had a long life," but that doesn't make any difference. It doesn't change the fact she's lying in a bed knowing she only has months to die. It doesn't change the fact her husband, who she's been with for over 60 years, must be scared as hell. It doesn't change the fact her children have to watch her slowly die. It doesn't change that my cousin in England feels guilty for not being closer. And it doesn't change the pain.

Does no one understand it's harder for me because I just lost my Mum and my Dad is sick. Maybe if I had less empathy I wouldn't feel every ones pain on top of my own and it would be easier to deal with.

I need someone to understand how bad this news has affected me and how afraid I am of how I will be once she has died. I don't have the words or the strength to explain what I'm feeling deep down. I don't want this to be just another thing I push to the back of my mind. The back is getting full.