a little ranting

This isn't a new revilation but...I HATE MOVING!

I'm fine with change, I'm fine with relocating, I HATE PACKING.

I'm in the middle of moving right now. As in the truck is outside and all my things should be packed. At about 12 last night we ran out of boxes and tape. I had already run out of steam at about 2pm yesterday though after packing my height (5'9) in boxes. My girlfriend and I have now made a big pile of stuff we'll come back for because we can't get through the rest without tears! Luckily I have a van, so we can fit alot in there, and in a couple of trips we can probally move the rest.

We're suppose to be going to a 21st tonight, but I'm starting to dread it. I'm too tired and just want to settle in and rest tonight! But, you only turn 21 once and I did say I'd go...I guess I'll nap at the first chance I get, then load up on painkillers and hope my headach stays away and my eyes stay open long enough to make and appearance.

I feel so whiney, I am whiney right now though!

Mother's day is tomorrow. I'm sick of seeing adds for it. I wish I could give my mum a wonderful day but she's not here. That isn't helping my mood either. It's been nearly a year and people seem to think I should be way more over it than I am. Although, my therapist says under the cercumstances it will probally take 2 years or more to even start to heal. I feel so guilty at the moment, I do blame myself and I can't shake that belief when it's so clear.

I'm sick of Girlfriend feeling bad. She thinks she's ugly and it makes her cry at times. She's really not though. She's georgeous. I wish she could see that. Even overlooking the inner beauty thing...she IS beautiful. How can I make her see that?

I best go do moving things...

Poem from the past

12/02/06

My eyes sting
My energy has dropped
It has been so long
Since my mind stopped
My sleeping hours are full
Of everything that scares me
My heart is always racing
And my eyes always see
My days are blanking out
Each seems pretty grim
I’m staring at the walls
As my soul begins to dim

more disease, more pain

Killing
Without reason
Without thought
No prejudice
No favouritism
Just disease
Sickness
And death

Cancer

Does it come to us all? Do those without it simply die before it develops? Is it the price we pay for living longer and Longer?

I found out on Monday that my Nanna has cancer. It's in the same place as my Dad's was, but she's too weak to fight it. It'll grow and grow until it kills her. The doctors give her 5-7 months, she says she'll be going for longer.

Dad's still not 100% into the clear and now this? Sometimes I feel like I am the cancer. Like I infect people with disease and pain.

Sometimes life seems like a cruel joke and I don't want to go on.

People keep saying to me "at least she's old," "at least she's had a long life," but that doesn't make any difference. It doesn't change the fact she's lying in a bed knowing she only has months to die. It doesn't change the fact her husband, who she's been with for over 60 years, must be scared as hell. It doesn't change the fact her children have to watch her slowly die. It doesn't change that my cousin in England feels guilty for not being closer. And it doesn't change the pain.

Does no one understand it's harder for me because I just lost my Mum and my Dad is sick. Maybe if I had less empathy I wouldn't feel every ones pain on top of my own and it would be easier to deal with.

I need someone to understand how bad this news has affected me and how afraid I am of how I will be once she has died. I don't have the words or the strength to explain what I'm feeling deep down. I don't want this to be just another thing I push to the back of my mind. The back is getting full.