...

I thought it was just a txt...I complained that I got it at 6am...it was before an attempt...I should have txt back...I should have said thank you...I should have told her I loved and needed her soooo much...I shouldn't have been an emotional cripple...now I hurt even more than I did before...

-Hey beautiful daughter i love you and im proud of you.I hope all your dreams come true xoxoxox-

FEAR

The beast wants
to talk to her
again
Two weeks
of pent up
anger
waiting to
explode
I hear it
in her voice
not talk
rant vent yell
venomous words
wait to be
Spat
She instills
FEAR

Baby can't stop
shaking
I fear for her
I shake too
What will happen?
Physical or
Mental pain
this time?
or both
Baby's sick
her cough is loud
her stomachs
playing up again
she can't take the
FEAR

Like in the
wild
she preys on the
weak
when Baby's
down
the beast
attacks
Her claws were
drawn before they met
this will be
hard
to dodge
Provoking anxiety
showing
how little she
loves
creating
FEAR

I pray
my love is
enough
that I can
keep her
strong
I'm searching
for a way out
Can we do it
alone?
I want her to
carry on
not change
her ways
destroy her
future
because of
the beast
We have to
break free
of all this
FEAR

a little ranting

This isn't a new revilation but...I HATE MOVING!

I'm fine with change, I'm fine with relocating, I HATE PACKING.

I'm in the middle of moving right now. As in the truck is outside and all my things should be packed. At about 12 last night we ran out of boxes and tape. I had already run out of steam at about 2pm yesterday though after packing my height (5'9) in boxes. My girlfriend and I have now made a big pile of stuff we'll come back for because we can't get through the rest without tears! Luckily I have a van, so we can fit alot in there, and in a couple of trips we can probally move the rest.

We're suppose to be going to a 21st tonight, but I'm starting to dread it. I'm too tired and just want to settle in and rest tonight! But, you only turn 21 once and I did say I'd go...I guess I'll nap at the first chance I get, then load up on painkillers and hope my headach stays away and my eyes stay open long enough to make and appearance.

I feel so whiney, I am whiney right now though!

Mother's day is tomorrow. I'm sick of seeing adds for it. I wish I could give my mum a wonderful day but she's not here. That isn't helping my mood either. It's been nearly a year and people seem to think I should be way more over it than I am. Although, my therapist says under the cercumstances it will probally take 2 years or more to even start to heal. I feel so guilty at the moment, I do blame myself and I can't shake that belief when it's so clear.

I'm sick of Girlfriend feeling bad. She thinks she's ugly and it makes her cry at times. She's really not though. She's georgeous. I wish she could see that. Even overlooking the inner beauty thing...she IS beautiful. How can I make her see that?

I best go do moving things...

Poem from the past

12/02/06

My eyes sting
My energy has dropped
It has been so long
Since my mind stopped
My sleeping hours are full
Of everything that scares me
My heart is always racing
And my eyes always see
My days are blanking out
Each seems pretty grim
I’m staring at the walls
As my soul begins to dim

more disease, more pain

Killing
Without reason
Without thought
No prejudice
No favouritism
Just disease
Sickness
And death

Cancer

Does it come to us all? Do those without it simply die before it develops? Is it the price we pay for living longer and Longer?

I found out on Monday that my Nanna has cancer. It's in the same place as my Dad's was, but she's too weak to fight it. It'll grow and grow until it kills her. The doctors give her 5-7 months, she says she'll be going for longer.

Dad's still not 100% into the clear and now this? Sometimes I feel like I am the cancer. Like I infect people with disease and pain.

Sometimes life seems like a cruel joke and I don't want to go on.

People keep saying to me "at least she's old," "at least she's had a long life," but that doesn't make any difference. It doesn't change the fact she's lying in a bed knowing she only has months to die. It doesn't change the fact her husband, who she's been with for over 60 years, must be scared as hell. It doesn't change the fact her children have to watch her slowly die. It doesn't change that my cousin in England feels guilty for not being closer. And it doesn't change the pain.

Does no one understand it's harder for me because I just lost my Mum and my Dad is sick. Maybe if I had less empathy I wouldn't feel every ones pain on top of my own and it would be easier to deal with.

I need someone to understand how bad this news has affected me and how afraid I am of how I will be once she has died. I don't have the words or the strength to explain what I'm feeling deep down. I don't want this to be just another thing I push to the back of my mind. The back is getting full.

a house but not a home

ARgh! I hate moving and I'm going to have to do it soon! Not once but twice in the next few months! I can't afford the boxes for the move so I'm hoping I can get them free from the supermarket. My girls mum can't afford to pay for this rental and to get the house her and her ex are going to sell so we have to move in there while it's getting fixed, then move again once it sells.

I have no issues with not having luxuries and living out of boxes but it appears only me and my girlfriend seem to have to compremise. First it was you'll have to go into your old room (a tiny single room). I was ok with that, even though it means sharing a single bed, only having one desk and not having any of our stuff unpacked. Now, we've been told that because my girlfriends brother punched holes in his bedroom walls his room needs fixing too, so his mum told hime to move into my girlfriends room. Thats okay...doesn't matter which room we get, right? There aren't any other rooms then! My girlfriends mum will be in the large room downstairs that we were originally going to have because the master room needs fixing up and the boys will be in the other rooms. Way to make us feel welcome. I hate how unwanted my girlfriends mum makes us feel all the time. This is only a minor thing among all the other things she does. It's bad enough for me, being treated like this but the selfish, childist woman is making her own daughter feel, unwanted, worseless and unloved.

She brough her into the world so it is up to her to make sure my girlfriend feels okay. But instead she has screwed with her head so much my girlfriend is perminently feeling crap. Any mother that uncaring deserves the same punishment as a child abuser. She is just as bad. Infact being treated like this hurts my girlfriend more than if she was just hit. I can't wait until we can afford to get away. I can't breathe here.

Re: Tammy, midwestern girl

"* dangerous me*
i read somewhere that albert einstein once said "if the bee population were to die out, humans would have four years left to live". or something like that. and even if that's an exaggeration, well, ten years still isn't enough warning for the end of the world as we know it.

so then i came across

this:http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/04/22/vanishing.bees.reut/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

and i got a little worried. cuz, you know, there's not enough to worry about already. basically- the article says the bees are dying- disappearing, poof- bees gone all over. "missing" as one article said. (missing? like, on-a-milk-carton-missing? or missing, like, "i can't find my keys" missing?)

and i see that some grown child who wasn't loved well enough shot some students at a college, press kit included... but i also see that thousands of people are dying already, everyday. VT happens everyday, just not at VT. someone walks across some ground, to point a gun directly at another. BLAM. dead. already happens. why are we so surprised when it happens in front of us? others live VT every day. i probably sound like i don't have much compassion for these people at VT... not true, i do indeed have immeasureable sympathy for these people.... i also have empathy for non-americans.

i would like to think that GOD (whomever, wherever, whatever) doesn't have Heaven divided up into nationalities. (chinese on one side, english over there, saudi's next to the salad bar...) i'm hoping GOD loves us all, each of us, because that theory increases my odds of being loved by GOD myself, flaws and all. so as blood spills from continent to continent, i'm feeling pretty bad for everyone out there. my side, their side, our side, your side, upside down cake.

whatever.

each day that a crisis arises with our shitty government, i look deeper into the newspaper- somewhere on the back pages there has to be news that isn't self-serving, news that isn't one man's version of the game "Telephone": where it doesn't matter what was really said first- it only matters what the last person "repeats"-- and all too often the info is never relayed accurately. and people are calling that journalism.

on the red carpet the other night, we were asked about the Recent Hot Thing from american idol. when we were stumped for an opinion (we don't watch the show), Reporter Twig had a look of horror, like i'd just peed on her pumps. so i brought up halliburton moving to dubai: "that's more along the lines of what we're interested in" i said into her empty eyes. she replied, "yeah, we don't really cover that".

wtf.

where is everyone? tell me what to do? i can't get to dc to march, and i can't really leave my family for too long- but as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as an American, there has to be SOMETHING i can do. ecology, war, terrorists (and the ones abroad, too)... i feel mute as everyone screams
"freedom of speech!!!!"

help. lead this lady to a somewhere, people, lead us all. somebody has to take charge, organize something. right? somebody tell us what to do, where to mail the postcard, who to call...

i wish gloria steinem had a daughter. (hell, i wish cheney's daughter was a real lesbian. but no-o-o-o-o-o... dick's daughter hides out in the white house wings like a light-skinned former slave in the days after the emancipation proclamation: "i loves dick! dick dick dick! go dick!" way to represent, mary.)

bees.

bees are disappearing, we are bombing country after country, but THEY'RE the terrorists?
i'm so confused.

well, at least i know one thing. if i were to be in a marriage that was recognized by the government, all hell would break loose. at least we're safe from that."

posted by Tammy, midwestern girl 22.4.07


I hear ya Tammy!
The bees are on their way out and so are we. If the lack of bees doesn't get rid of us in 4-10 years we'll probally kill ourselves off, or at least alot of us.

It is rediculous for people to support a movement to kill 100s, 1000s or more of other nations people then get shocked when it happens in their own back yard. If any child that has ever shot another human had never see the people incharge of their country ordering respected people to kill they would almost definantely not have chosen that path.

I come from a country where nuclea weapons are banned, few have guns or gun licenses, civil unions are allowed for gays and a woman is incharge. I'm so thankful for alot of these things, then I turn on the news to find Avril Lavigne stumbling over her words in the highlights! Along with a (kinda funny) slideshow of the various thing people have got in their eye lately (including a bar stole leg). Surely their are more importanat things in the world that could be taking up that space! It wasn't an entertainment show it was THE NEWS!

Whatever or whoever made us CAN'T love one nation more. We were all created the same internally and soulfully. No man is better than any other. yet some minds will never accept that.

I don't know who you write too or how you do it but I'm pretty sure you need alot of voices behind you! "freedom of speech" is given to everyone but then the people in power try damn hard to hide the instructions on how to use it.Short of getting yourself or someone with such clarity and knowledge into the whitehouse there may be nothing you can do.

Stop the bombing and start breading bees.

Why don't people fix themselves before they "fix" the rest of the world.

Stay safe from your government and you will come out on top!

Will I'm on the topic of Tammy, mindwestern girl, I tryed the whole pen under the but thing...unfortunitly my girlfriend looked up from her studies and saw...I don't think I'll ever live that one down...

I'll help you save the world! Just tell me what to do!

It hurts...

things don't
get better
with time.
The hurt
doesn't
go away.
this pain
has
settled in.
this pain
is gonna
stay.

The image of her corpse is printed in my mind. Lying mostionless, refusing to get up. The details are slipping, I find myself racking the archives of my brain for the colour of her top, her face, her temprature and the smell of the funteral home leave a scar. The chill of her bloodless body runs down my spin. And the ferm unhuman skin still makes me nauseous. I feel crazy for wishing i had photographed her to preserve the disturbing image that I hold on to because it was the last time I saw her. I fret that the body in the sealed coffin, that people payed their respects to, wasn't her. Pain flows through my viens knowing she was burnt and I don't trust they were her ashes we buried 9 month after her death.

Our last word haunt me, though I longed to be held by her we didn't even hug that day. The last txt she sent me telling me hown much she loved me was never correstly responded to. With my distant ways I destroyed our last few communitaions. I wanted to be near her, to feel her love and show her my love but I was emotionally frozen. My defences were up so high to protect my damaged soul that I didn't know how to let them down.

I denied my instincts and pulled away from my heart. I could have done so much more and should have. Now everyone is paying the price. Her life was to short. She deserved so much more. She needed out of her partners control, she needed to beleave in herself again and she needed to know how much I loved her.

She was never the type to commit suicide...




...I miss you mum.

sick sick sick stress stress stress

I'm really starting to worry about my girlfriend. She isn't very well and she keeps getting really dizzy an nauseous. She's fainted a few times lately and really doesn't feel well. It could be the new drugs she's on but she didn't start feeling ill until a month after starting them. I know with the pills I take I only feel ill for the first week or so of starting them. She's on lithium and says she feels alot more controlled on them so I hope that's not what's making her sick.
It can't help that her mum has lost all sanity and has decided double standards and bitchary are good ways to treat people. Espically during their mid-terms.
I hope it's not something serious. The doctors she's seen haven't been very helpful. I've alreaedy lost my mum, got a sick dad and a will disbute on my hands! As well as the many crime instances that have revoled around me latey (which I'll describe in a later post). I can't take much more craziness. I wish everything would just stop, even for a day or two...

Cancer free!

I found out on Wednesday that as far as the doctors can tell he's cancer free! I'm so glad he doesn't have to go through anymore chemo, it was really starting to wear him down. He had cancer in his oesophagus that got so bad he couldn't even swallow his own saliva. He lost over 20kgs because the hospital kept losing his apointments. When he finally got in for a scope they rushed him straight to North shore hospital and admitted him. They didn't believe him when he told them how bad it was. They believed him when they realized they couldn even get a scope down his throst though. I'm so greatfull he's come through this so far. I would hate to lose 2 parents so close together. I'm still afraid it will come back. It's 5 years before they consider it remission. Hopefully now he will recover from the major surgery he had quicker and stop being in so much pain.

The mind doesn't always match the way the body is feeling.

I don't have alot to say right now, I really just wanted to get this started...
I have another blog somewhere in cyber world but I lost it and now I have to start again.

I was just sitting at my desk playing with the cell phone my girlfriends mum lent to me (mine got stolen) when I wrote this. I had just realized my sim card had expired so I used my mums (r.i.p). I checked the balance to see when I had to top it up again to prevent it from expiring as well. Whe I realized she had topped it up 3 days before she died a horrible sinkling feeling consumed my body. Though my mind was in an okay place my body felt like it was the end of the world...


A darkness so black
It clouds the world
A weight so heavy
It makes my head swirl
A feeling so low
It makes my heart sink
A depression so strong
It make my body weak
A compression so tight
It suffocates
A thought so dreaded
It nauseates
I need a way out
There’s no end I can see
Death seems the answer
But how can that be?