It hurts...

things don't
get better
with time.
The hurt
doesn't
go away.
this pain
has
settled in.
this pain
is gonna
stay.

The image of her corpse is printed in my mind. Lying mostionless, refusing to get up. The details are slipping, I find myself racking the archives of my brain for the colour of her top, her face, her temprature and the smell of the funteral home leave a scar. The chill of her bloodless body runs down my spin. And the ferm unhuman skin still makes me nauseous. I feel crazy for wishing i had photographed her to preserve the disturbing image that I hold on to because it was the last time I saw her. I fret that the body in the sealed coffin, that people payed their respects to, wasn't her. Pain flows through my viens knowing she was burnt and I don't trust they were her ashes we buried 9 month after her death.

Our last word haunt me, though I longed to be held by her we didn't even hug that day. The last txt she sent me telling me hown much she loved me was never correstly responded to. With my distant ways I destroyed our last few communitaions. I wanted to be near her, to feel her love and show her my love but I was emotionally frozen. My defences were up so high to protect my damaged soul that I didn't know how to let them down.

I denied my instincts and pulled away from my heart. I could have done so much more and should have. Now everyone is paying the price. Her life was to short. She deserved so much more. She needed out of her partners control, she needed to beleave in herself again and she needed to know how much I loved her.

She was never the type to commit suicide...




...I miss you mum.

sick sick sick stress stress stress

I'm really starting to worry about my girlfriend. She isn't very well and she keeps getting really dizzy an nauseous. She's fainted a few times lately and really doesn't feel well. It could be the new drugs she's on but she didn't start feeling ill until a month after starting them. I know with the pills I take I only feel ill for the first week or so of starting them. She's on lithium and says she feels alot more controlled on them so I hope that's not what's making her sick.
It can't help that her mum has lost all sanity and has decided double standards and bitchary are good ways to treat people. Espically during their mid-terms.
I hope it's not something serious. The doctors she's seen haven't been very helpful. I've alreaedy lost my mum, got a sick dad and a will disbute on my hands! As well as the many crime instances that have revoled around me latey (which I'll describe in a later post). I can't take much more craziness. I wish everything would just stop, even for a day or two...

Cancer free!

I found out on Wednesday that as far as the doctors can tell he's cancer free! I'm so glad he doesn't have to go through anymore chemo, it was really starting to wear him down. He had cancer in his oesophagus that got so bad he couldn't even swallow his own saliva. He lost over 20kgs because the hospital kept losing his apointments. When he finally got in for a scope they rushed him straight to North shore hospital and admitted him. They didn't believe him when he told them how bad it was. They believed him when they realized they couldn even get a scope down his throst though. I'm so greatfull he's come through this so far. I would hate to lose 2 parents so close together. I'm still afraid it will come back. It's 5 years before they consider it remission. Hopefully now he will recover from the major surgery he had quicker and stop being in so much pain.

The mind doesn't always match the way the body is feeling.

I don't have alot to say right now, I really just wanted to get this started...
I have another blog somewhere in cyber world but I lost it and now I have to start again.

I was just sitting at my desk playing with the cell phone my girlfriends mum lent to me (mine got stolen) when I wrote this. I had just realized my sim card had expired so I used my mums (r.i.p). I checked the balance to see when I had to top it up again to prevent it from expiring as well. Whe I realized she had topped it up 3 days before she died a horrible sinkling feeling consumed my body. Though my mind was in an okay place my body felt like it was the end of the world...


A darkness so black
It clouds the world
A weight so heavy
It makes my head swirl
A feeling so low
It makes my heart sink
A depression so strong
It make my body weak
A compression so tight
It suffocates
A thought so dreaded
It nauseates
I need a way out
There’s no end I can see
Death seems the answer
But how can that be?